‘MISSING’ JACK: Frustrations with Autistic Self-Imposed Seclusion

We have five kids. That’s a lot of bodies to keep track of. I count five heads frequently; especially on outings as I try to keep everyone safe. Fortunately, Jack is not a big wanderer in public, so he doesn’t give me too much stress out and about.

Home is a different story. It seems like I count to four and realize the fifth body is often missing. It’s always Jack. He’s just off…somewhere else. He comes down for dinner and sits in his seat. We start eating and I suddenly notice his chair is empty. Where does he go? How did he escape from right in front of us?? What is he doing now? And why doesn’t he want to be with us??

Jack just loves his alone time.  Ahhhh, seclusion. Whether he just escaped a visit from neighbors or he slipped out of a family game, one would think Jack finds a thrill from disappearing undetected from the scene. If I go after him, I might find him wandering the upstairs rooms or sitting alone looking around. During dinner he enjoys hiding in the pantry in the dark. Or he’s found a screen after I so vigilantly hid or disabled them, playing as if it was no big deal to maneuver them back to working order. No matter the type of his seclusion activity, any sort of friendly or forceful coaxing to join us is usually fruitless. Jack will randomly appear back with us as he sees fit.

A Seclusion Story in Pictures

Here’s a seclusion picture story with a happy ending: We are playing an extended family baseball game. Jack starts off facing the other direction with his sister. Later, he gets closer and pulls bark off a tree by the field. Next, he sits near the game…and finally…he stands by Dad on the field and gets to guard the base with a mitt!

Sometimes it seems Jack WANTS to join in, but he secludes himself anyway. I’m so glad he eventually gave in to play!

Try Timing His Time

I brought up my frustrations about his escaping from family dinnertime with our occupational therapist. One of his suggestions is working for us. Once dinner begins, Jack must set a timer for 6 minutes (his age), and he needs to sit at the table with us for that long. Yes, he tries to wander and most of his time is spent watching and counting with the timer, but at least now we have a set rule and his body is present with us for a short moment in time.

Missing Jack in Several Ways

Guess who’s on the left covering his face?? It’s interesting to look at group pictures and see that Jack often ends up away from the group.

A few nights ago, we gathered for our official weekly evening of family time. Each week Jack enjoys starting out with us, but he always seems to sneak off. It’s like he gets a quick kick out of it, and then time’s up and he’s off to…somewhere else.

I told Jack all afternoon that it was Family Night. All he would say was “nooooo.” I found myself saying the phrase, “I want you to be a part of our family, Jack.” And it hit my heart that I really meant it, in more ways than just this one night.

But alas, he refused to come down, even quietly putting himself to bed while we got started.

I can take some of the crazy behaviors of autism. But the distance he puts in relationships—it just saddens my heart sometimes. I know he needs extra space and downtime. I know that interaction doesn’t mean the same to him as it does for most of us. But this night I felt the missing presence of a boy who didn’t feel the need to join the family like I wanted him to feel.

My typical 8 year old son asked, “when will Jack ever just have dinner with us?” I wish I knew. I wish he just would.

For now, I will enjoy the moments when he does appear before us and stays—be it one or six or more minutes—as Jack feels so inclined.