Lessons from a Traffic Light: RULES RULE

Counting down at the traffic signal

I’ve mentioned before that I drive a carpool to Jack’s school. Now, this isn’t just ANY carpool, this is 3 boys with varying levels of autism. The 5th grader doesn’t necessarily participate, but the 1st graders—can we say backseat drivers??

Rules of the Road

So we come up to an intersection. The traffic signal is red. Look to either side and we see numbers counting down for the cross walk. And a flashing red hand. Flashing! Oooo, numbers. Counting. The carpool joins in the countdown, including my typical 3 year old. I don’t even have to look at the stoplight, I’m very aware it will be changing. Someone (or everyone) says, “here it comes, here it comes…” and red light changes to green and it’s our turn to GO!!

Jack has trained his little sister well. She’s in charge of the cross walk countdown while he’s at school.

Now, imagine that we need to turn right at a stoplight. The light is red and we are stopped. The way is clear, so I go. What?! “Red means STOP. GREEN means go. And yellow means SLOW DOWN!” That’s Jack’s line; it used to be stated at every traffic signal we went through, but thankfully he’s cut down on the commentary.

I try to explain that it’s ok to turn, even though it’s red. Move on guys. So why is everyone so upset that I’m going?

And then it dawns on me. Ohhh, to these children I just broke a RULE. The rule is: Red means STOP. No amount of explaining about the nuances of driving will undo that RULE. And to kids, especially those with autism, rules are rules.

Too bad there’s that ‘rule’ that won’t allow him to sleep in his empty bed!

A World of Personal Rules

I think of some of Jack’s rigid behaviors. One recent ritual is regarding his bed. He now sleeps on the floor most nights, right next to his bed. I try to coax him to sleep on his nice comfy bed, but he’ll say, “only 4 more days until I can sleep in my bed” and will continue with his countdown the subsequent nights. Four nights later, he’ll announce happily that, “tonight is the night I can sleep in my bed!” For some unknown reason, he has developed a RULE that he cannot break, no matter how uncomfortable the floor might be.

How do we negotiate with those on the spectrum and their rules?

With Jack, I evaluate the situation: does it negatively affect me and others? Is it just not an acceptable rule? Is it worth a fight? As for my turn at a stoplight, I’m the one driving and I can deal with a few comments from the backseat. The sleeping thing? Hey, it’s not me who ‘has’ to sleep on the floor, so be my guest. I can’t currently think of any non-negotiable rule examples that Jack has set because we have ‘nipped them in the bud’ before they became too rigid.

>>  My advice to others would be the same: recognize potential rules that are intolerable and help your child to change behavior patterns before the ‘rule’ becomes unbreakable.  <<

Rules Can Be Pretty Handy Tools

Using rules to further our cause can work well for us. If he’s gonna make up rules, so can we. Jack knows the rule “we go to church on Sunday” trumps the fight “I am NOT going to church today”, no matter how fervent his argument gets. There’s the rule “we have to do screens-off because you didn’t stop and go to the bathroom“. This is a tough, emotion-evoking rule to enforce. I know that it will take a lot of recovery time for Jack and perseverance on my part. But it’s important to me to enforce this behavior so we have a hard and fast rule about it. Sorry Jack, but those are the rules. And Jack won’t break a rule once he believes it is one.

Just today I recognized another helpful result of teaching rules: they can help greatly with reading, at least for Jack. He was spelling the word ‘school’ as we drove up to his building. He said, “school has an H, but it’s silent, so we don’t say it.” I realized I hear Jack mumble grammar rules under his breath all the time when he’s trying to read a new word. Makes me want to listen for math rules as he does his homework this week.

Driving an animated group of kids to their school sure causes me to reflect. They may point out my breaking of the rules, but what they are really demonstrating to me is that for them, RULES RULE.