LOOKING AT JACK: Autism and Eye Contact

In many parts of the world, making eye contact is a social norm. People expect others to look them in the eye.  Unfortunately, for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder, looking at people in the eyes does not often come naturally. Because they tend to avoid it, the lack of eye contact causes confusion in many encounters. A typical person may think that the ASD individual doesn’t care or isn’t paying attention.

Now I realize it’s always weird to talk to Santa, but here’s an example of Jack avoiding eye contact. (And it’s hilarious that he is rubbing Santa’s hands!)

How do parents of kids on the autism spectrum feel about the sparse eye contact? I would guess it is a big concern. It was for me.

I believe there are 2 things at play here:

1. As parents, we want to connect with our child
2. We want our child to be “socially acceptable”

When Jack was first diagnosed with autism, I felt I had a mission in getting Jack to make eye contact.  I researched techniques and asked all of his therapists to work on it with him. I made it an issue. And so-

Here are some suggestions to get some eye contact:

• Jack’s occupational therapist taught me to use the phrase, “Where are my eyes?” to get Jack to look at me. This phrase puts less pressure on him to “LOOK AT ME!” and makes it more of a game. Where ARE Mom’s eyes, did they move?
• And when he does look at me, I tell him it makes me SO happy!
• I point to my forehead, between my eyebrows, and ask him to look there. I can also hold up an object to my eye level and when he does look, I compliment him.
• And if all else fails, I give him a break! I don’t worry about it. I don’t give my full eye contact all the time to everyone either!

OUR Progress

I was so pleased to see this picture come home from Kindergarten. Look at those beautiful brown eyes!!

Here we are, 3 1/2 years into Jack’s diagnosis. Slowly but surely, employing these tactics while not stressing the issue, I can now say that these days Jack’s eye contact is A-ok.

We have real moments of locking eyes with Jack, and without prompting. I LOVE JACK’S EYES. I will never take for granted the chance to look into them when he is talking to me. The times when he won’t look at me I can usually trace back to some sort of sensory thing going on, whether he is mad, frustrated, or there is something distracting going on in the background. And I don’t make him look at me then, because like I said, I don’t give full eye contact all the time either.

Did our early intervention therapy tricks work? Well, it seems they did for us. Perhaps it’s because in “practicing” with us, he realized that making eye contact wasn’t as daunting as it seemed. Maybe he wants to feel a connection with us. Or he has just been trained to look to our eyes. Whatever it is, I LOVE JACK’S EYES.

On the flip side…

Looking into a camera is different from looking into human eyes, but so many of my pictures end up like this when I say “look at the camera!”

That being said, Jack is slow to give eye contact to others outside of our immediate family. I just read an article discussing how scientists are discovering that the autism eye contact issue is an ANXIETY issue. If looking into someone’s eyes caused me to become anxious and uncomfortable, I would probably look away too. According to this article, it seems to be less of a lack of desire to connect and more of a need to stay in a comfortable and safe zone.

And if it is about anxiety, as a mom, do I really want to cause my son discomfort, just for the ‘comfort’ of other people?

I am now hyper-aware of eye contact as I interact with other people. If someone is avoiding my eyes, I do not take it personally. They are listening. We are still communicating.

The woman with ASD in this article will tell people straight up that she has a hard time with eye contact. I hope to teach Jack to communicate his needs with others so there is understanding instead of frustration. Raising awareness of autism’s traits is never a bad thing in my book.

Does the lack of eye contact contribute to better concentration?

I wrote a post with a video clip a while back about Jack and our lovely toy, Bop It. As I internalized Jack’s proficiency with his toy, I realized he wasn’t really looking at it. Most people use their sight to help them react to the game. But that costs time and concentration, and Jack realized he could cut it out to be more efficient.

When an individual with autism is avoiding eye contact with a person, could it be that they are doing the same thing: Giving more of their attention to what the person is saying, rather than being distracted by what the speaker’s face looks like as the words come out? What kinds of unique things are they observing when they are concentrating more on what is being said?? Of course they are missing out on facial expressions, which would add to issues of social awkwardness, but that’s a discussion for a different day. When contemplating concentration levels, maybe that’s another argument for not pushing constant eye contact on those with ASD.

>> Chime in with your observations of an individual with autism who seemed to not be paying attention! <<

When all is said and done, they hear you either way.

Yes, eye contact is important to society. Yes, do try to teach your child to look in the direction of people’s eyes. Yes, be sympathetic to them and anyone who struggles with making eye contact. And yes, it’s ok if your child just won’t make eye contact. They are listening in their own, comfortable way. Maybe with more rapt attention than you realize.

>> What are your feelings on your child’s eye contact? Do you use strategies to get them to look at other people’s eyes? <<