So many issues come down to communication. Any time things can be simplified to facilitate communication it means connections are made, frustrations are eased, understanding happens and we can all move forward.

I discussed a wonderfully valuable phrase that we learned in behavioral therapy in this recent post. And I promised to share a second helpful phrase from our therapists. I was thinking it was this unique, secret strategy that they had carefully passed on to me, but it’s funny—I googled the phrase and discovered it’s all over the place! I was relieved to realize I am not the sole mother holding this treasure, mounting on my quest to spread it to the world. Phew, my burden of responsibility is lessened!

All kidding aside, it is a great help. You ready for it?? It is…

“First ___, Then ___.”

How often do our kids want to do what we request? How often are they fixated on doing their thing? There are so many times in the day when we NEED them to accomplish something and then we can be HAPPY to let them have their desire (within reason, of course).

Enter the “First ___, Then ___.” strategy. Start by looking for a MOTIVATION trigger. What is it that your child wants?

Let’s say that Jack is dying to play the ipad. He’s asking for it, he’s frantically looking for it, it’s all he can think about.

Next, what do YOU want?

Well, I need him to clean up his dirty dishes.

The beauty of this strategy is that I know what will MOTIVATE him. I can see that desire: Jack wants that ipad. And I know what I want. So… “Jack, First dishes, Then ipad.” He hears that phrase and he understands: if I do that one thing, then I get what I want. The dishes get cleaned up and then he gets some screen time.

This can happen all day. It’s just 2 steps so it is clear.

“First eat, Then play.”

“First read, Then outside.”

“First seatbelt, Then snack.”

One common conversation Jack & I have before school, usually right after breakfast:

“First dressed, Then blanket.”

Jack’s green blanket

What does this mean?? To us, it means that once he’s gotten ready (hopefully with shoes on!), he can get comfy, cuddle up and get warm in his favorite huge green blanket before the carpool comes. (And some days the blanket has to come in the car with us so he still gets that cozy time on a rushed morning when I drive.)

In the end, hopefully we all got something out of the deal and things can stay relatively calm. So, keep your eyes open for desires to use as motivations throughout the day and you just might get what you want too!