INTEGRATING JACK: Let’s Talk About Church

A fairly recent family photo at our church. Jack’s in the middle.

Each week Jack has the opportunity to be among typical kids his age and ‘regular’ teachers. This comes in the form of his church class, called Primary. There are two hours of Primary: one is a lesson with his age group in a classroom with one or two teachers, and the other is with a big group of kids ranging in ages in a bigger room with music and lessons.

Jack has been in Primary since he was 3 and each year he has a different teacher. For a couple of years now I have given the new teacher a letter with a ‘Tip Page’ to explain Jack. I will start by saying that each teacher that has taught Jack has truly been an angel sent to him. They have had personalities that have ranged from very fun, so so sweet and loving, to creative in getting him involved, playful, gentle and structured. They have been just what he has needed at his particular age. Angels.

I can informally gauge how things are going by Jack’s attitude the morning of church. Usually at the beginning of the year—when the teachers, classroom, row they sit on, etc shifts to a new routine—Jack declares that he is NOT going to church, nuh-uh. Luckily, these days Jack is happy as he opens his eyes in bed and declares “it’s Church Day”. He’ll get in church clothes without complaint and even remembers and obsesses over taking his own scriptures, because that’s what the leaders remind them to do each week.

It was because of Primary, many years ago, that we realized Jack truly was not on the same level as his peers. My husband was asked to substitute in the class when Jack was 3. He came back surprised that all the other kids were answering questions and making conversation. Jack was in a blank staring era, repeating back phrases when needed. I substituted a little while later and saw this for myself. It was a humbling time to see a direct comparison between the kids and our son came out far behind.

Fast forward through diagnosis, intervention, school, maturing…and here we are. Thrilled to be where we are. When I see Jack burst out of his class, he looks almost like one of the other kids, showing me his handout and holding his scriptures. However, I have been curious to know what goes on for him inside his classroom door. And so, I had a long, insightful interview/conversation with his current teachers: a married couple, the wife of which has had preschool teaching experience. I asked them many questions about his behavior and progress they’ve seen throughout the year.

Here’s what I learned, and I hope that reading this can help any parents or teachers to gain some ideas or strategies based on what Jack’s wonderful teachers do:

4 year old Jack at church with his siblings.

In the classroom, they have Jack be a helper, mostly holding pictures or passing things out. They said his mood varies from week to week—some days he is grumpy and he turns around in his chair. Sometimes he’s just ‘checked out’ and he might lay on the ground. Other weeks he is engaged, especially in the last little while.

In fact, when I asked if he asks or answers questions and if he makes comments, they said he’s been quite connected recently. He used to say whatever came to mind, starting off his sentence strong and then mumbling and trailing off… Now he’ll raise his hand, think about it, and say full sentences. He’s starting to make his comments match the subject and he’ll focus on what he’s saying. They ask a fun question at the beginning and he tells something about his past week—oh how I’d like to know if it matches up with the truth! I asked if they think he’s catching anything. Hmmm. Maybe a bit. They said he remembers crazy tiny details, like names and numbers. And he’s learning ‘church phrases’, such as “Heavenly Father’s plan”, so he’s retrieving information from somewhere!

I’ve been curious to know how he’s doing socially with all of these typical kids. I’ve seen him say ‘hi’ to the room when he goes in. The teachers said he is kind and gets along well with the others. Sometimes he’ll be a little too ‘touchy’, but the kids have learned to move away. There’s one particular boy they say that Jack likes. He is quiet and Jack likes to ‘get in his space’, which really bugs the kid. You know what seemed to resolve any issue with this? The wonderful parent of this child. The teachers told me when they have someone substitute, they show them the letter of tips that I gave them. So this parent taught the class one week and saw it. She then explained to her son about Jack and that he doesn’t understand personal space. Apparently now everything is fine between them.

I asked how they think he’s grown this year. They said that he interacts more. They used to have to “feed words into him”, having him repeat answers. He’s also cut down on laying down during class. His personality is starting to show—“he’s himself now,” they said. One cute example: the kids were raising their hands and the teacher said they could only say relevant things. Jack kept his hand up and she called on him. He made a face, like he knew this wasn’t really relevant, but he asked what time it was. She told him the time, he said, “Yes, it IS 1:30″, as if she had just gotten a correct answer. They love to see his personality appear!

Has Jack ever had major discipline problems? Twice. Once when one of the teachers was late and Jack was thrown off by this change. He hit and yelled and kicked. She took him out in the hall. Apparently he stood against the wall and told her that he was in time out. After a bit, she asked if he was ready to go back and he said no. A little more waiting and he told her, “ok, I’m ready.” And a similar thing happened on a different day. I am assuming he learned the time out behavior at school because he’s not so compliant at home!

In the large group classroom, Jack always manages to weasel his way over to sit next to one of the teachers and he might sit on their lap. He especially loves to sit by his male teacher. He gets a lot of back scratches and head rubs. That was something I told them is a great strategy that just melts him into calmness. He sometimes raises his hand for activities and I’ve seen him go up to the front to participate.

One of the Primary leaders asked me when we first moved in if they should include him in everything. I’m so very glad she asked so they would know what was appropriate. I believe our success with church so far has been because of open communication from all sides. As parents, we let the teachers and leaders know what works and what doesn’t. Hopefully they will ask questions and give feedback on how things are going and explain what kind of help they might need.

To answer their question about including him, for Jack my answer is a definite ‘yes!’ He sees the other kids get to go up and play the games and speak into the microphone and he is dying (in his own way) to do the same. He copies behaviors he’s seen in Primary and it’s a good thing. He’s learning the culture and vocabulary and is acting more and more appropriate each passing week. And then there’s other weeks (as I’ve observed) he sits backwards in his chair, staring at the clock. At least he’s learning that the real world can be a boring place and we all have to deal with it!

Church is a wonderful place for Jack. He learns to sit and answer and participate and cope and socialize with the best of them. I hope it is and continues to be a place of awareness and acceptance for all who attend, disability or not. It is church, after all.

>> If you are a parent of a special needs child, have you communicated his or her needs to any of their ‘regular’ leaders or teachers? And if you are one of those teachers, have you found out the needs and strategies to help your student? I urge you to check up with each other to see how things are really going and update your game plan if necessary. It will make a big difference for everybody involved! <<

P.S. A HUGE thanks to all of Jack’s Primary teachers and leaders over the years! We love you! And thanks to his current teachers for all of this information to keep us informed on Jack. We are grateful for you!